Blog 251 – Leaving The Pit of Despair, Part 6 – 13 May 2025

My purpose is to give hope to those who have lost hope. Without hope, we remain lost in the Shadow Lands.

****

Blog 250 finished with these words.

Love will give you the strength of put one foot in front of another. You can force yourself to keep going until tomorrow. When tomorrow comes, it will no longer be tomorrow … and you can force yourself to keep going until the new tomorrow comes. When you have made yourself walk through enough tomorrows, it will slowly dawn on you that you have truly walked out of the Pit. You can do this because you are a hero.   Ignore anyone claiming you are nothing like a hero.   Just look into the mirror.   The face you see is yours, and you ARE a hero.   Nothing could be more certain.

****

The modest but extremely talented man on the left as you look at this photo is my friend Juan Acosta.  Juan was originally Venezuelan and he came to Australia alone when he could not speak one word of English.  He sought a new, safe home for his family – far away from the madness of then Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

This wonderful man called Juan did indeed find a safe new home for his family in Australia and he is now Australian.  I am blessed by having his son help me run Hankin Redden.

****

I am as proud of Juan Acosta as I am of my son Chris.

Most heroes look just like everybody else, but don’t be fooled.  

You REALLY do not need a uniform to be a hero.

You already are a hero.

****

But, I hear you say “I don’t have the energy to walk anywhere”.  I barely have the energy to stagger to the toilet.  I definitely don’t have the energy to cook; that is why I eat so much take away food!

I have been in that situation and I too have felt like death warmed up.  Every one of us has, at some point, felt like sh*t so much that we have not been able to even get out of bed.

****

Long before I met Margaret, my heart was broken by a romance which ended badly.  The romance had ended months before the events I will describe, so I had had plenty of time in which to get over my heartache – but healing happens when it happens.  And if you don't even know you need healing, the process does not have a chance to start.

****

I had gone to work as usual on the Thursday before Easter.

After work, I had drunk my usual dozen cans of beer – maybe more.  This helped me get sleepy - so I went to bed and slept.

I woke up on Good Friday morning, grabbed myself some more beers … and went back to bed.  

I stayed in bed until I had to go back to work because the Easter public holidays had finished.

Well, I didn’t really stay in bed without ever getting up.  I had to get up whenever I ran out of beer.

****

There is a recognised medical word to describe what was happening to me.

I was depressed.

I was certainly suffering from depression.

I could not get out of bed even to drink my beers.

I did not have the energy to have a shower, a shave or to brush my teeth.

I definitely had no energy to cook anything … and I didn’t have the energy to even order take away food, although I could have had it delivered.

****

So, when I tell you that you need to do things one Step at a Time and your response is I cannot even get out of bed, I know exactly what you mean.  You mean how am I going to walk anywhere when I can’t even get out of bed?

****

The answer is simple and you will hate me for telling you.

You will get out of bed and start the process of putting one foot in front of the other because others love you and want you to do just that.

If you are able to visualise (I cannot), let you mind capture the image of your wife, or your husband, or your mother, or your father … or even Rufus the dog … smiling and encouraging you.

Feel the love of those who want you to swing your leg over the mattress and get up.

You can swing that leg and you can walk.

And once you have got yourself out of bed, you don’t even have to have a shower before you force your body to start walking down the street … or through the park.  The shower can wait until you get home.

Breakfast can wait until you get home.

The beer can wait until you get home.

And once you have started placing one foot in front of the other, you have started your own Great Escape.

Left foot.

Right foot.

Left foot.

Right foot.

You know you can do it.

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

If the end of the street really is the furthest distance you can force your body to reach, accept that is your maximum distance … today.

You can try and go further tomorrow.

****

And quite apart from the love that will encourage you to swing your leg out of bed, there is that other reason why you definitely can get out of bed, no matter how exhausted your body feels.

You are a HERO.

That is the real reason why you can get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.

Heroes like you have the ability to do what others think is impossible.

****

I will tell you more tomorrow.

Blog 250 – Leaving The Pit of Despair, Part 5 – 12 May 2025

My purpose is to give hope to those who have lost hope. Without hope, we remain lost in the Shadow Lands.

****

Blog 249 finished with these words.

So, this is the sequence of events so far. Let love give you the strength to make the decision that you are definitely leaving the Pit. Once you have decided you are changing your place of residence, work out how you are going to manage your departure.

****

My son Chris Hankin.  Some of our heroes really do wear a uniform that tells you straight away you are looking at a hero, but most of us heroes do not wear uniforms.

I am as proud of you as I am of my son.

You REALLY do not need to wear a uniform to be a hero.

****

Working out the mechanism you will use to leave the Pit is, of course, hard.  How can you work out the direction for the exit when you can barely see?

You have to be kind to yourself and work out practical steps that you can carry out.

One technique that has worked for me is called One Step at a Time.

****

You do not have to tell yourself that never again will you have a dark moment and that you always have to show a happy face from this moment on.

Try doing your Great Escape One Step at a Time.

****

When Margaret was diagnosed with untreatable cancer, my immune system went into deep panic mode.  I developed an inability to get air into my lungs.  In the first months after Margaret’s diagnosis, my “breath attacks” (asthma) came only two or three times a week and they always came when I was in a safe place.

But, I love walking in Morialta and one day when I was walking deep within Morialta Conservation Park, I got a breath attack.

I was high up in the mountains and the only quick way back to help and safety would have been to make a great leap – preferably with a Spider Man sticky line to haul me down safely.  But I am not Spider Man and leaping to safety would have resulted in a quick death.  So, I had to get down slowly.

I sat on the ground for a moment and gathered my thoughts.  To get down, I had to walk down the track – safely and slowly.  And that would take a minimum of 30 minutes if I had been able to breathe properly.  The choices were simple enough

• Stay sitting on the ground and die from lack of air; or

• Start walking down the mountain and hope I got down.

Love gave me the strength to start walking down the mountain.

****

I feebly inhaled, getting a pitiful amount of air into my lungs – and I then put one leg forward and forced my body to move.  It was SO HARD.  I knew it was impossible for me to get down the mountain by doing this.  I also knew it was impossible for me to ever see Margaret again if I did not get down the mountain.

I took only one step at a time.

I blotted out from my mind, the thought that I was trying to get anywhere.  I was not trying to get down the mountain.  I was doing only one thing.  I was placing one foot in front of the other.

One step.

One step.

One step.

I was doing nothing else except taking single steps.

I ignored the scenery around me.

I did not tell myself I had now made it to the halfway point or the three quarter point.

I did not tell myself anything except “Move this leg and place it on the ground in front of that leg.”

I forced myself to hear nothing and to see nothing.  My complete focus was on the One Step at a Time.

The world consisted solely of me forcing one foot into the air and placing it on the ground in front of the other foot.

Amazingly, astonishingly … I looked up after an unmeasurable time and I had got down the mountain.  I staggered to a park bench and knew I was safe.

I now knew I would definitely see Margaret again.

Love gave me the strength to walk out of Morialta alive.

****

Love will give you the strength to put one foot in front of another.

You can force yourself to keep going until tomorrow.

When tomorrow comes, it will no longer be tomorrow … and you can force yourself to keep going until the new tomorrow comes.

When you have made yourself walk through enough tomorrows, it will slowly dawn on you that you have truly walked out of the Pit.

You can do this because you are a hero.  

Ignore anyone claiming you are nothing like a hero.  

Just look into the mirror.  

The face you see is yours, and you ARE a hero.  

Nothing could be more certain.

****

I will tell you more tomorrow.

Blog 249 – Leaving The Pit of Despair, Part 4 – 11 May 2025

My purpose is to give hope to those who have lost hope. Without hope, we remain lost in the Shadow Lands.

****

Blog 248 finished with these words.

So, I kept Margaret alive through sheer willpower in combination with complete love. And before we went to Ireland for our wedding, I jammed a permanent plug into the vortex that was sucking the very life out of Margaret. And before we left for Ireland to officially get married, Margaret began to come back to me. Love helped Margaret climb out of the Pit of Despair.

****

****

My heart sang on 30 July 2009 when Margaret and I went through a formal wedding ceremony.  The joy I saw in her face made me certain that I could help her leave the Pit of Despair which had taken her to the very brink of death.  Our public declaration of our love helped her make the decision she had to make before she could leave the Pit.

Before she would ever leave the pit of Despair, Margaret had to make an irrevocable decision to leave – and she did.

****

 I said in Blog 247 that I would elaborate on the tools needed to help you climb out of the Pit of Despair.  You may think I let you down because Blog 247 did not talk about any particular tools.  It focused so much on the power of love.

If you missed the connection, I will spell it out.

****

Before you can leave the Pit, you MUST decide that you are leaving, that you are staying not one moment longer than you must.  That requires a deep personal commitment by YOU.   Without the commitment by you to leave the Pit, you will never find the exit from the Pit.

Others cannot simply haul you out of the Pit, but they can help you to make the decision to leave.  They can do that through the power of their love.

You may be so deeply buried in the Pit that you believe there is no love in your life and that there never will be.  I have been in that position and I know from my own experience that I was wrong.

Your dog loves you completely and wants you to decide to leave the Pit.

No matter what has happened, your spouse loves you and wants you to leave the Pit – even if your spouse has become so fed up with your behaviour that you have been tossed out of the house.

Your parents love you and want you to leave the Pit.

Every single person who loves you knows that you and only you have the ability to decide to leave the Pit.  Unless you make that decision, you will stay in the pit for an eternity.

So, first you must make the decision to leave the Pit.

And love will give you the strength to make that decision.

****

You might think that you have to make a decision that you really do not have to make.

You do not have to decide that your exit from the Pit will happen at 5.00 pm next Tuesday.

It may be a good idea to leave yourself some leeway on the exact date of your departure.

Try doing it like this

I have decided I am definitely leaving the Pit.  I have found the strength to make this decision because of the love I feel from those who love me. I will work out how I will leave by no later than next Sunday. This means I have a complete week in which to work out how I get out. Now, I have to REALLY work out the strategies that are likely to help you get out of the Pit

****

You have to decide that you are going to leave … and you have to definitely mean it.  Love is the element that will help you make this decision.

When you have decided to leave, you must then work out how you are going to do it.  Working out how you are going to leave is much easier to do when you know you have made a decision to leave.

So, this is the sequence of events so far.

1. Let love give you the strength to make the decision that you are definitely leaving the Pit.

2. Once you have decided you are changing your place of residence, work out how you are going to manage your departure

****

I will tell you more tomorrow.

Blog No. 248 – Leaving The Pit of Despair, Part 3 – 10 May 2025

Blog 247 finished with these words.

To keep Margaret alive, I tried everything I could think of.  I cooked.  I did every item of the household chores. I bought dvd’s.  I booked us a short holiday in a resort where we could spend a few days away from home. Everything I tried was a complete failure. Only one thing enabled me to do the impossible. I loved Margaret totally no matter what was happening.  This gave her a reason to climb out of the Pit.   And our love then smiled back at me and helped me climb out of the Pit when I was flung into the very bottom of the Pit. I know it sounds like corny rubbish, but love really is the key I have used to help both Margaret and me climb out of the Pit of Despair.

****

****

In July 2009, Margaret and I gave each other the rings we both wore from that moment on, it was not an empty formality.  I glowed from her love just as much as she bathed in my love for her.  My love for Margaret gave me the strength I needed to help her climb out of the Pit.  Her love for me gave me the strength to let her know that I would always be there whenever she needed me.

The public declaration of our love gave enormous strength to both of us.

****

We actually married two times on 30 July 2009.  This is a photo of our second wedding; it is called a Handfasting Ceremony.  The woman on the left is Maeve O’Byrne, the Celebrant of our Handfasting Ceremony.  If you look at our eyes, you can see the complete love we shared.

I still miss Margaret grievously, but I always knew if I truly loved her, I had to climb out of the Pit – and that is what I have done.

****

In this Blog, I will elaborate on the tools that will help you climb out of the Pit of Despair.  As a long-time resident of the Pit who has climbed out, I know it can be done even though the most attractive option is to curl up in a corner and let yourself go numb.

****

In yesterday’s Blog, I wrote that my purpose is this.

My purpose is to give hope to those who have lost hope.

****

Today, I add one sentence to this purpose.

Without hope, we remain lost in the Shadow Lands.

When we have no hope, we wander lost.  Although the Shadow Lands are not completely empty of light, there are no stars and there is nothing to guide us in the Shadow Lands.  Everyone caught in the Shadow Lands is lost, wandering in the semi-darkness.  To regain our sense of direction, we must leave the Shadow Lands.  Leaving the Shadow Lands cannot be done unless we regain hope.

****

The full statement of my purpose is therefore this.

My purpose is to give hope to those who have lost hope. Without hope, we remain lost in the Shadow Lands.

****

Just weeks before the date of our wedding in Ireland, Margaret spent her days on the sofa, sunk so deeply in the Shadow lands it seemed she would never be able to move.  

We had our wedding clothes made especially for us.  That meant we had to personally visit the dressmaker.  Rosalia was stunned by how thin Margaret was.  She wondered if she ought to make her clothes a little larger than the tape measure indicated - just in case Margaret gained some weight before the wedding.

Even getting Margaret to the dressmaker completely drained her of what little energy she had.  While Rosalia worried the dress might be too small if Margaret gained any weight at all, I worried I might not be able to even get Margaret to Ireland for the wedding.  How could anyone survive so many months while eating so little?  

Every time Margaret got up – usually because she needed the toilet – she was in danger of collapse.  I hovered behind her to catch her when she fell.

Me hovering behind her annoyed Margaret a lot.  She was a grown woman and she did not need me to escort her to the toilet.  I ignored the complaints.  I preferred that she be annoyed with me rather than fall and get badly hurt.

The only “weapon” I had was my love for her and a refusal to accept that I would lose her.  

And then in June 2009, the miracle slowly started to happen.

At that point in time, she was deeply depressed.

Margaret was so thin that a gentle breeze could have easily blown her over.

I kept using the only weapon I had.  I kept loving Margaret and I refused to accept that she would die before we could get married.  

When we lay in bed together, I willed my strength out of me and into her.

I found a place on Margaret’s back where there was an “energy vortex”.  With my hands on this spot, I could feel the energy being sucked out of her.  With my hands over this spot, I focused on permanently plugging the vortex.  I knew I had to stop her life energy from turning into a hurricane fleeing away from her.  Every unit of energy that left through the vortex was energy she desperately needed.

Sometimes, I could stop the vortex for several seconds, but every time I did this, I soon felt my “plug” being snatched out of my grasp into the bottomless pit that was stealing the energy from my wife.

But I refused to ever accept she was doomed to die.  Margaret was the wonderful woman who I loved.  Her death in those terrible circumstances was something I would not accept.

So, I kept Margaret alive through sheer willpower in combination with complete love.

And before we went to Ireland for our wedding, I jammed a permanent plug into the vortex that was sucking the very life out of Margaret.

And before we left for Ireland to officially get married, Margaret began to come back to me.

Love helped Margaret climb out of the Pit of Despair.

I will tell you more tomorrow.