Blog No. 248 – Leaving The Pit of Despair, Part 3 – 10 May 2025

Blog 247 finished with these words.

To keep Margaret alive, I tried everything I could think of.  I cooked.  I did every item of the household chores. I bought dvd’s.  I booked us a short holiday in a resort where we could spend a few days away from home. Everything I tried was a complete failure. Only one thing enabled me to do the impossible. I loved Margaret totally no matter what was happening.  This gave her a reason to climb out of the Pit.   And our love then smiled back at me and helped me climb out of the Pit when I was flung into the very bottom of the Pit. I know it sounds like corny rubbish, but love really is the key I have used to help both Margaret and me climb out of the Pit of Despair.

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In July 2009, Margaret and I gave each other the rings we both wore from that moment on, it was not an empty formality.  I glowed from her love just as much as she bathed in my love for her.  My love for Margaret gave me the strength I needed to help her climb out of the Pit.  Her love for me gave me the strength to let her know that I would always be there whenever she needed me.

The public declaration of our love gave enormous strength to both of us.

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We actually married two times on 30 July 2009.  This is a photo of our second wedding; it is called a Handfasting Ceremony.  The woman on the left is Maeve O’Byrne, the Celebrant of our Handfasting Ceremony.  If you look at our eyes, you can see the complete love we shared.

I still miss Margaret grievously, but I always knew if I truly loved her, I had to climb out of the Pit – and that is what I have done.

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In this Blog, I will elaborate on the tools that will help you climb out of the Pit of Despair.  As a long-time resident of the Pit who has climbed out, I know it can be done even though the most attractive option is to curl up in a corner and let yourself go numb.

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In yesterday’s Blog, I wrote that my purpose is this.

My purpose is to give hope to those who have lost hope.

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Today, I add one sentence to this purpose.

Without hope, we remain lost in the Shadow Lands.

When we have no hope, we wander lost.  Although the Shadow Lands are not completely empty of light, there are no stars and there is nothing to guide us in the Shadow Lands.  Everyone caught in the Shadow Lands is lost, wandering in the semi-darkness.  To regain our sense of direction, we must leave the Shadow Lands.  Leaving the Shadow Lands cannot be done unless we regain hope.

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The full statement of my purpose is therefore this.

My purpose is to give hope to those who have lost hope. Without hope, we remain lost in the Shadow Lands.

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Just weeks before the date of our wedding in Ireland, Margaret spent her days on the sofa, sunk so deeply in the Shadow lands it seemed she would never be able to move.  

We had our wedding clothes made especially for us.  That meant we had to personally visit the dressmaker.  Rosalia was stunned by how thin Margaret was.  She wondered if she ought to make her clothes a little larger than the tape measure indicated - just in case Margaret gained some weight before the wedding.

Even getting Margaret to the dressmaker completely drained her of what little energy she had.  While Rosalia worried the dress might be too small if Margaret gained any weight at all, I worried I might not be able to even get Margaret to Ireland for the wedding.  How could anyone survive so many months while eating so little?  

Every time Margaret got up – usually because she needed the toilet – she was in danger of collapse.  I hovered behind her to catch her when she fell.

Me hovering behind her annoyed Margaret a lot.  She was a grown woman and she did not need me to escort her to the toilet.  I ignored the complaints.  I preferred that she be annoyed with me rather than fall and get badly hurt.

The only “weapon” I had was my love for her and a refusal to accept that I would lose her.  

And then in June 2009, the miracle slowly started to happen.

At that point in time, she was deeply depressed.

Margaret was so thin that a gentle breeze could have easily blown her over.

I kept using the only weapon I had.  I kept loving Margaret and I refused to accept that she would die before we could get married.  

When we lay in bed together, I willed my strength out of me and into her.

I found a place on Margaret’s back where there was an “energy vortex”.  With my hands on this spot, I could feel the energy being sucked out of her.  With my hands over this spot, I focused on permanently plugging the vortex.  I knew I had to stop her life energy from turning into a hurricane fleeing away from her.  Every unit of energy that left through the vortex was energy she desperately needed.

Sometimes, I could stop the vortex for several seconds, but every time I did this, I soon felt my “plug” being snatched out of my grasp into the bottomless pit that was stealing the energy from my wife.

But I refused to ever accept she was doomed to die.  Margaret was the wonderful woman who I loved.  Her death in those terrible circumstances was something I would not accept.

So, I kept Margaret alive through sheer willpower in combination with complete love.

And before we went to Ireland for our wedding, I jammed a permanent plug into the vortex that was sucking the very life out of Margaret.

And before we left for Ireland to officially get married, Margaret began to come back to me.

Love helped Margaret climb out of the Pit of Despair.

I will tell you more tomorrow.

Blog No. 247 – Leaving The Pit of Despair, Part 2 – 9 May 2025

Blog 246 finished with these words.

There is always hope for every one of us who has lost hope because of what has happened – always.  Go looking for your hope Peter and walk out of the Shadow Lands in which you think you are trapped.  There is no lock on the door of your jail cell; there is not even a jail cell.  You are trapped in an illusion created by your own mind.

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When I took Margaret to Ireland so I could publicly declare my love for her, I knew this was an essential part of giving her a reason to climb out of the Pit.  I knew she needed to physically bathe in the love we shared.  I knew a public declaration of love in the place I knew she loved to visit, would help achieve this.

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Six weeks before our wedding, I thought there was no possibility Margaret would be strong enough to travel to Ireland so I told her I wanted the doctor to examine her and reassure me her health was good enough to make the journey.  The GP lied his head off – and Margaret immediately began to gain strength.  I blessed the GP.

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In this Blog, I will try and help you gain the tools you need to help you climb out of the Pit of Despair.  It is not easy, but it can be done.  

Before any of us can hope for a better life, we must climb out of the Pit.

If we do not climb out of the Pit, our wanderings in the Shadow Lands will never end and we will stay lost even after we die.

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Why am I writing this stuff in my Blogs?

I wrote the reason in my diary on Thursday 1 May 2025.  This is an extract from the diary entry.

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9.00 pm Thursday 1 May 2025 – Rebirth Day 12 Thoughts About Fulfilling My Purpose I have never before given any specific thought to whether I have any particular purpose to fulfill, but I have always tried to help people if I can.  I have always known that everyone matters and that there are no exceptions to this simple (but complicated) rule.  I have sometimes helped others by doing some very complicated and difficult things, and I have done this because I believed I ought to help the people.  It never occurred to me that I might have any underlying purpose. When I have helped others in the past, I have sought nothing in return except my own knowledge that I have done something worthwhile. I have always tried to apply: The least harm rule.  I try to minimise the harm that I cause simply by existing; I am conscious that some harm always happens because of what we do. Wherever possible, I try to do things I believe are undoubtedly good. I try not to be vocal about anything I do.  Knowing I have done something worthwhile is enough reward. **** I am certain there are many people who feel broken whom I may be able to help by telling them that what I have done to try and ensure my own rebirth and this is where I will place my main priority in the immediate future.

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I crystallised my thoughts about Purpose in this sentence.

My purpose is to give hope to those who have lost hope.

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Without hope we will all remain forever lost in the Shadow Lands.

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Like every one of you, I have spent far too much time wandering in the Shadow lands.  

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My world began a slow collapse in 2006 when Margaret became seriously ill for the first time.  In December 2008, she became so ill she was never again able to work.  Margaret was a nurse and soon after she became unable to work, she told me “I am a nurse, that is what I do”.  It was so true.

Because of her health collapse, Margaret became unable to do the one thing that she absolutely needed to do to keep living.  She did not work as a nurse because it was a job and she wanted the money.  Margaret was a nurse because that was the most important part of who she was.

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When she ceased work, Margaret stopped being able to eat and she rapidly lost 30 kilograms.  I watched as the woman I adored became steadily more frail.

When Margaret tried to walk, I began following her so I could catch her when she fell.  She fell often.  She was not drunk.  She had undiagnosed heart fibrillation.

It was a dreadful experience.

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Long before my Margaret was given a cancer diagnosis, she hovered at the very edge of death.

I could not let her die then

If I had let Margaret die back in 2008, her spirit would have been consumed by sadness and failure.  I could not let that happen.

Because every one of us will definitely die, death is not in itself the real enemy.

The real enemy is the despair we gather around us while we are in the Pit.  If we take the despair with us when we die, we load ourselves with an unbearable burden.

I had to ensure Margaret did not take the Pit with her when she died.

We must all ensure we do not take the Pit with us when we die.

Margaret’s death had to be postponed so that when she did die, she would not take the Pit with her.  I had to make sure Margaret was not burdened by the Pit after she died.

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To save Margaret’s life, I had to do what seemed impossible.

I had to give her a reason to climb out of the Pit.

Until I could give Margaret a reason to climb out of the Pit, there was no possibility that she would avoid a truly dreadful death.

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To keep Margaret alive, I tried everything I could think of.  I cooked.  I did every item of the household chores. I bought dvd’s.  I booked us a short holiday in a resort where we could spend a few days away from home.

Everything I tried was a complete failure.

Only one thing enabled me to do the impossible.

I loved Margaret totally no matter what was happening.  This gave her a reason to climb out of the Pit.  

And our love then smiled back at me and helped me climb out of the Pit when I was flung into the very bottom of the Pit.

I know it sounds like corny rubbish, but love really is the key I have used to help both Margaret and me climb out of the Pit of Despair.

I will tell you more tomorrow.

Blog 246 – Leaving the Pit of Despair, Part 1 – 8 May 2025

In this Blog, I talk about the eternal existence of hope and how every one of us is able to leave the Pit of Despair.

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I love this image of the butterfly so much that I am repeating it.  New life can always emerge – even from the Pit of Despair.  Look closely, this butterfly will soon fly across the whole universe.

Juan has given me permission to publish this photo.  It is covered by copyright and readers do NOT have permission to copy without prior permission.

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We can heal ourselves if we make the decision to do so.  

We may all be walking wounded, but every one of us can heal.

We must find the part of us that knows the need to heal, otherwise we will get stuck in the Pit and not get out.  Everyone in this universe wants to help you heal – it is not just me.

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On Sunday the 20th of April 2025, I posted a blog by my friend Dave in which he recounted his near death experience when his heart stopped working while he was driving his car on a busy Adelaide street.  The blog had the title “A Resurrection Story – To die or Not to Die”.  On the same day the blog received a response from someone calling himself Peter Ingham.  I have done a copy and paste of the Ingham response, so don’t blame me for the offensive content or the terrible grammar and punctuation.  This is the Peter Ingham response.

F*ck off religious idiot. There is no GOD. ONLY ME . I AM MY GOD OF EVERY THING . I HAVE EVERYTHING AT MY DISPOSAL TO KILL YOU ALL . NUCLEAR WEPONS TO K*LL ALL YOU IDIOT RELIGIOUS PEOPLE

*Note that swear words are censored. The original message was not. 

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I was interstate when Ingham posted his obscene response to a story of heroism by a close friend whose achievements would put Peter to shame – if Peter remains capable of any emotions apart from demented anger.

When I got home from Sydney on the 28th of April, I sent this response to Peter Ingham.

Go ahead. Do whatever you want. You do what you want with your life, and leave me to live my own life in peace. You didn't even notice that the post dated 20 April 2025 was about my friend and his near death experience and that it was written by my friend who survived his near death experience. Your life must be so very sad if you feel the need to abuse people you have never met – and over what? Telling a story of heroic survival. Your life must be so very, very sad. I will set you a challenge seeing as how you claim you are God of Everything. Do something impossible. Turn your life around and make yourself happy.

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I feel no anger towards the person (bot perhaps?) called Peter Ingham, but I do feel immense sadness.

If Peter Ingham does really exist, he is so deeply entrenched in his own personal Pit of Despair that he has an overwhelming need to make everyone else suffer the same overwhelming despair that he feels.

Peter does not want anyone to be reborn – not Jesus Christ, not my friend Dave, not me, not you, not anyone in the whole universe.

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I have not had the chance to meet Peter Ingham, but I have met many people like him.  And so have you.

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I have some very good news for you Peter.

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There is a way out of the Pit.

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Getting out of the Pit is easy in some ways but hard in other ways.

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The first thing to remember is easy.

Peter personally dug his own Pit of Despair.

We all dig our own Pits of Despair.

Because we all dig our own Pits, we all know how to climb out.

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The second thing to remember is this.

Before we can climb out of our Pits, we must decide it is time to start climbing.  And when we decide to start climbing, we have to do just that – we must start climbing.

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When we start climbing, our lives begin to fill with light and joy.

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Take no notice of Peter when he says “You are now a permanent resident of the Pit because there is no Exit!”

Peter doesn’t say this because he is evil.

Peter only says this because of his despair.

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Join us Peter.

Leave the Pit of Despair behind you.

There is always hope for every one of us who has lost hope because of what has happened.  Go looking for hope Peter and walk out of the Shadow Lands in which you think you are trapped.  There is not really any lock on the door of your jail cell.  There is not really even a jail cell.  Like every one of us, you are trapped in an illusion you yourself has made.

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Once again this Blog is written with much love – especially to you Peter.

 

Blog 245 – Rebirth: How I Am Making Myself Come Alive Again, Part 6 – 7 May 2025

Blog 244 I promised to set out some of the tools I have used to survive.  I keep that promise in this blog.

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This image is also courtesy of my friend Juan Acosta.  To my eye, Juan had painted perfect images of the four magical elements - earth, air, fire and water: this is another perfect painting to go with this blog about rebirth.  

Juan has given me permission to publish this photo.  I again remind readers that my photo and the painting itself are covered by copyright and readers do NOT have permission to copy them without prior permission.

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The earth itself will help us heal if we let it.  

We are all walking wounded.  

We must help each other to heal ourselves and our wonderful universe.

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3.00 am Tuesday 29 April 2025 – Rebirth Day 10 I am back in Adelaide and my life has resumed the rhythm it developed in the months since Margaret’s death one year and eight months ago. On 7 March 2023, Margaret had her final session of immunotherapy.  Immunotherapy had shrunk the cancer but another result was dangerous diarrhoea.  The immunotherapy had to stop while the oncologist vainly tried to stop the diarrhoea.  Margaret suffered constant night sweats which saturated the bed, plus the diarrhoea, plus a bladder that gave her no rest – and she also had broken bones in her back and broken ribs. I suffered during every moment that Margaret suffered.  I watched her life shrivel into a pain-filled shell In 2023, Easter Sunday took place on 9 April 2023 – eleven days and 2 years before my rebirth day on Sunday 20 April 2025. I no longer have to worry about Margaret being in pain because she is no longer in any pain. Margaret has left her pain behind her and because of my rebirth, I am evolving into a man who sometimes manages to be pain free. … and then something happens and in an eye blink, I am in pain all over again – suffering because she suffered so much. So, I dive back into my box of tools looking for something that will ease my pain.  I have experimented with so many tools hoping they will ease the pain.  I throw away the tools that do not help me. Meditation sometimes helps … but sometimes it is no help at all. I went to a meditation retreat starting late afternoon on Friday 28 March 2025 and it lasted until early afternoon Sunday 30 March. I was doing fine until the afternoon of the Saturday when one of the retreat staff told me to stop talking.  This completely ruined the rest of the retreat.  I wrote the words “retreat blues” in my diary. Margaret would have had her 75th birthday on Saturday 29 March 2025.  The well meaning idiot who told me to shut up did not know this, but I did. The well meaning idiot should have noticed I immediately plunged into retreat blues, but he did not. The retreat blues lasted a whole two weeks.  I slowly got rid of them by promising myself that I would be able to get by - not into the indefinite future - but for the next two weeks.  I trick myself this way.  If I can put the blues onto a shelf for a short period, they might just stay on the shelf and not come back.  It is easier to persuade myself to keep going for a short period than it is to persuade myself that I have to get rid of the blues for a long period like a year.  I cannot manage a year, but sometimes I can manage two weeks. Give this a go, it might help you sometimes. Yoga always helps in the rebirth process.  My yoga session on the day Margaret died, quite literally helped me to keep breathing.  My body wanted only one thing – to shut down completely.  My body decided it had gone past its expiry date and wanted to do nothing at all, except rejoin Margaret once more.   But I had to stop my body from doing this.  I had promised Margaret that I would be okay.  That meant I had to force my body to keep functioning.  I had to stay alive or I would break my solemn promise. I forced myself to do yoga and after one solid hour of yoga, the tears stopped.  And then they started up again.  To stop the tears this time around, I went for a walk in the Park.  If there were other people in the Park wondering why this grown man was sobbing, I have no memory of them. Eventually, the walking also brought a temporary stop to the tears. So, those are my primary tools.   I walk, I do yoga and I meditate. Every day, I try to create a brand new universe with my thoughts – one where I do not always want to cry; one where everyday things make more sense. As yet, my reborn universe is most noticeable for the people who are not in it. There is no Margaret in it. Margaret’s brother, sister, nephew and niece have chosen to ignore my new universe. Margaret’s former friends have chosen to ignore it and Margaret’s former closest friend Ann Ryan wants to blow it up. Being born again is extremely hard work, but my promise to Margaret means I must make it happen. Margaret wants me to live, so I must live. You may think you have no reason to be reborn or to live, but you are so very wrong. You matter.   The universe will be unable to sing if you are not in it. The very air you breathe will notice your absence and lapse into deep mourning. You matter and I matter too. We all matter equally. If you help me, I will help you. The whole world can be reborn if we come together and make it happen.

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In tomorrow’s blog I will discuss the sad case of someone called Peter Ingham.  Peter is so very, very unhappy.  He is much sadder than I have ever been.

Once again, with much love.