Blog 241 – Rebirth: How I Am Making Myself Come Alive Again, Part 2 – 3 May 2025

Blog 240 finished with extracts from my diary for Thursday the 24th of April 2025, when I began the process of my own rebirth after Margaret’s death and the aftermath of it.

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This too is a photo I took of a wonderful painting by my extraordinarily talented friend Juan Acosta.  Once again, Juan has given me permission to publish this photo in this Blog.  My photo and the painting itself are covered by copyright and readers do NOT have permission to copy them without prior permission.

I interpret this painting as revealing the growth that happens when life unexpectedly renews itself and is reborn.  Together, let us learn how to regrow and start a new life.  We are all walking wounded at this moment, but we do not have to stay that way.

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9.35 pm Friday 25 April 2025 – Rebirth Day 6 Day 6 of my rebirth is a day for remembering.  It is Anzac Day, the day when Australia remembers those who sacrificed themselves to create a better future for all of us. I marched in the Albury Anzac Day march and for the first time ever, my thoughts are not continuously with Margaret.  I wear replica medals of those I specifically want to remember.  I am at the back of the march with my granddaughter, for we have not fought in any wars.  I am the descendent of a hero and the father of a hero.  I am the nephew of three uncles who were heroes. Dad joined the Royal Air force in 1949 after the British Army refused to permit him to join up as a soldier in the war against Hitler.  Dad was a skilled tradesman and the government decided that tradesmen were not allowed to become soldiers.  The Royal Air Force did not officially permit dad to become a combatant either, but it desperately needed tradesmen so it allowed dad to join up.  Dad’s main job was to make sure that the planes in Bomber Command were able to fly despite all of the holes in them from German artillery.  Sometimes he had to hose the blood of his colleagues out of the planes before he could repair them. Dad’s duties were not confined to what the RAF called ground crew.  By late 1943, 25% of all those who took part in a Bomber Command mission against Germany, never made it home.  Many of them were dad’s friends.  They were not simply statistics in an accounting spreadsheet.  In 1943, Dad's Bomber Command unit asked for ground crew members to volunteer to serve as aircrew as well as ground crew.  Dad responded to this act of self cannibalism by Bomber Command - if the people who repaired the planes never returned from a mission, there would eventually be no one left to repair the planes at all – by volunteering to be trained as an air crew member.  So, dad flew in the planes that he had to repair.  And somehow, dad survived the war, and received three different service medals. Dad was a hero and he told me nothing. When WW 2 started, uncle Bill was a barber in Liverpool.  He too joined the Royal Air Force and helped man the giant ballons that were hung over Bermingham to make it harder for the Nazis to murder the people of England.  Uncle Bill also earned his medals. Uncle Bill was also a hero and he too told me nothing.  Mind you, he stayed in England while we went to the far side of the Moon – a place called Australia.  That made it hard for uncle Bill to tell me anything. Uncle Eric was a child when the Nazis tried to destroy Liverpool in the Liverpool Blitz.  Liverpool was the major port giving entry to the supplies that kept the United Kingdom alive – so the Nazis desperately wanted to flatten it.  As well as enduring the constant bombing, Eric was a messenger while still a boy.  His job was to deliver messages from first responders trying to deal with the results of the Nazi bombs.  The first responders were desperately trying to save the lives of those whose home had been flattened by the Nazis.  By running through the rubble, to deliver the messages, uncle Eric saved many lives. When he was older, Eric served on the ship SS Uganda in the Falklands War.  The Uganda was a hospital ship and Eric tended to the wounded in hat war. Eric was a hero and although he told me some things, he told me only what he felt able to tell me.  Eric earned his medals. Uncle Stan’s story is probably the saddest of the stories of the services given by my family to help make this world a better place. Uncle Stan was only 17 years old when he was a merchant seaman on the Rangitane.  The Rangitane was sunk by the Germans and somehow, Stan survived when others died.  Stan turned 18 while he was a prisoner of war on board the German ship that had destroyed his own ship.  Stan was made to sign a piece of paper saying he would never engage in military activity against Germany and he was released onto the island of Emirau, now part of Papua New Guinea. After getting home to Liverpool on a ship called the Ceramic, Stan served on the ships in the Arctic convoys taking supplies to Russia. One of the Arctic convoys was particularly notorious.  It was given the number PQ 17.  When it left port for Russia, there were 35 ships in PQ 17.  Out of the 35 ships, 23 were sunk by the Nazis and 153 merchant seamen killed.  Of the British ships in PQ 17, only 2 survived and one of the two was Empire Tide.  Uncle Stan was serving on the Empire Tide. Uncle Stan was a hero who told me nothing.  I met Stan twice when his ships came to Melbourne.  Uncle Stan earned his medals but he could never forget what he had seen.  Stan drowned himself in booze but the memories never left him.  He died in despair. I lost Margaret to cancer. I am not a hero, but I have a chance that dad and his brothers never had. By marching on Anzac Day, I was able to honour my son who served with the Australian Army in Iraq. I can help my son’s rebirth and I can strengthen my own rebirth. By marching on Anzac Day, I was able to show my granddaughter that her father is a hero and that he earned his medals. My son cannot really tell me his stories either. Rebirth is hard but we must all try and do it. Death should never be seen as final Death is only the doorway to rebirth and new hope. We must never forget that the world is full of heroes. Everyone who reads this blog is a hero. God bless you.

Blog 240 – Rebirth: How I Am Making Myself Come Alive Again – 2 May 2025

Blog 238 finished with extracts from my diary for Sunday the 16th of July 2023.  This Blog continues my diary entries, but from Thursday 24 April 2025, when I had begun to engage in the process of my own rebirth after the harrowing tragedy of Margaret’s death and the aftermath of it.

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This is a photo I took of a wonderful painting by my extraordinarily talented friend Juan Acosta.  Juan has given me permission to publish this photo in this Blog.  My photo and the painting itself are covered by copyright and readers do NOT have permission to copy them without prior permission.

I interpret the painting as revealing a butterfly testing its wings after a near fatal collision with the ground.  Like the butterfly, I am teaching myself how to fly again.  Join me on this new journey.  We are all walking wounded, but at least we are still walking!

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2.30 pm Thursday 24 April 2025 – Rebirth Day 5 I will date the start of my rebirth to last Sunday, Easter Sunday 20 April 2025.  If Christ could come back from the dead, so can I. In the months before her death, Margaret and I talked about the need for me to keep living after she had died.  She made it clear, I was not allowed to just go through the motions of living.  I had to live again, love again and yet again give a genuine meaning to my life even though she was dead.  I promised I would continue living after she was gone. Moments before Margaret flat lined in hospital, I hugged her through the tubes.  I told her I loved her, that it was okay for her to leave me and that I would be okay after she had died. I have tried very hard to keep the solemn promise I made to Margaret moments before she left me – but it has been very hard. What I now know is that the cancer ghosting has never stopped.  Our former friends have continued to reject me.  Margaret’s brother Jim, sister Maurine and nephew Jameson have refused to speak to me since 23 November 2023.  This is when Margaret’s most valuable jewellery acquired over a lifetime of thrift, vanished.  I believe the jewellery was stolen by her brother Jim Redden. Every attempt I have made to reach out to the people we used to know, has failed.  People are still afraid of me.  Terrible things have happened to me and they obviously are afraid to come anywhere near me.  They fear they might catch the curse of terrible fortune that has infected me. Margaret’s sole surviving friend Cheryl joined the cancer ghosting in January 2024.  At my specific demand – and only at my specific demand – she finally returned Margaret’s wedding dress and I have heard nothing from her since then. My sole direct link to someone who knew Margaret is now Dave.  I offered him the spare bedroom after Margaret died and he then left the boarding house where he had been living.  Dave somehow beat oesophageal cancer, then he beat lung cancer.  Now he is battling a cancer in his neck which has wrapped itself around his carotid artery.  Dave is remarkably brave, but his continued life is doubtful.  Medically, the officially diagnosis is that he is stage 5 Palliative Care.  There is no stage 6. I got the blues very badly on 29 March 2025 while I was on a meditation retreat.  On Saturday 29 March, Margaret would have had her 75th birthday. I have been sustained by my son, my daughter in law, my two grandchildren and by two very kind hearted strangers called Kristian and Bronwyn.  Yesterday afternoon Bronwyn encouraged me by zoom to work out my mission in life and the practical steps I need if I am to get there.  She stressed the need for me to stop reliving the haunted memories from those dreadful days leading up to Margaret’s death. I know Bronwyn is correct.  To keep the promise that I will be okay, I must learn to remember Margaret but put aside all of the pain.  I must create new structures around my life.  I must show myself and others that crippling sorrow can be survived and that every one of us is able to live again, able to live joyously, even though we have spent years wandering through the lands of sorrow. I cannot alter what has happened. I can alter how I treat those events in my own mind. I was granted 25 years filled with love.  Those years have ended, but the love has never left me. I must honour the love Margaret and I shared by accepting that it is now over. If I still want to love Margaret, I must accept that the love we shared, ended when she died. With tears in my heart, I accept Margaret and I as a couple are now only a memory. I swallow every bit of the sorrow and I will oversee my own rebirth. Thank you Bronwyn for your wisdom and kindness.  I will continue to swallow the multiple sh*t sandwiches and show others who are in pain that rebirth is possible. My rebirth journey is now 5 days old.

239 A Resurrection Story – Dying the Hard Way, Part 10 - 1 May 2025

Blog 238 finished with extracts from my diary entries for Friday the 14th of July 2023.  This Blog continues my diary entries from the point where Blog 238 finished.  

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Friday 14 July 2023 Blog 238’s diary entry finishes this way. [Margaret rings me at 3.33 while I am walking.  The Calvary doctor has spoken to Dr Bishnoi.  The cancer should be stable and what Margaret has been going through are probably result of side effects of the cancer treatment.  The cancer may NOT have spread.  Dr Bishnoi will visit Margaret in Mary Potter later today once he has finished attending to his other patients, but is unable to say when he might arrive.  I tell Margaret I will return home and return to Mary Potter immediately.  It is 4.06 as I type this entry.  I am about to return to Mary Potter.  Will Margaret perhaps be able to recover and come home?.] **** Friday 14 July 2023 The diary entry for Friday 14 July 2023 continues. It is now 8.40 and I have been home long enough to put away the ghetto blaster and bedside clock radio that I had taken into Mary Potter for Margaret.  Neither of them were able to get any reception, presumably because of equipment at Calvary Hospital.  As I write this I am completely stunned.  Maurine was already there when I arrived and Jameson and Charli arrived shortly after me.  They all left just after 7.00 pm, after Margaret had another trip outside in the wheelchair so she could smoke.  It had seemed there was no possibility of Dr Bishnoi arriving.  It was after 7.00 pm on a Friday evening – but Dr Bishnoi stunned us both by arriving at about 7.25 pm.  Until the Calvary doctor – at Margaret’s insistence – had rung him, he had no idea that Margaret was in Mary Potter.  He also had no idea that Margaret had spent four nights in Royal Adelaide Hospital.  Dr Bishnoi had received no information at all about Margaret from either hospital.  The last cat scan he was aware of was the one done in May and based on that cat scan, he thought it was unlikely that Margaret was in imminent danger of dying from the cancer.  He had no idea what was causing the pain and he had no idea of the medical reasons why Margaret had been referred to Mary Potter.  He promised to get copies of the information from Royal Adelaide and return on Tuesday 18 July.  Dr Bishnoi asked if Margaret would like to return home.  We said yes, but that was impossible given Margaret’s current state of health.  Dr Bishnoi asked if Margaret would like rehabilitation and we both asked what that meant.  He did not explain that. When Dr Bishnoi left, Margaret spoke with the nurse in charge.  Dr Bishnoi had communicated the same information to her.  Brie the charge nurse was extremely sympathetic and helpful.  Margaret would not and could not be sent home in her current terrible state of health, but the news that she was not in immediate danger of dying was wonderful.  We were both completely stunned and I left for home at about 8.00 pm.  I was in bed by 10.00 pm. Saturday 15 July 2023 I woke at 7.15 am on Saturday 15 July.  At 7.52, Marg sent me a text saying she had just woken up.  We agreed that I would have a leisurely start to the day.  At 9.08 I started my walk and was home one hour later.  After a shower, I wrote this entry.  I will be at Mary Potter by about 11.15. I actually arrived at 10.25.  Marg was in good spirits and being helped in the bathroom by the nurses.  Once she was in the wheelchair, I wheeled her to the back of the hospital so she could smoke.  It was cold and wet, too cold to be out the front.  She had spoken with Kevin that morning; Kevin is one of the two nurse practitioners who are in charge of Mary Potter.  Kevin too was stunned by the news from Dr Bishnoi and - like Brie the evening before - concerned for the mental health of both of us.  Like Brie, he assured Margaret that she had a place at Mary Potter until such time as she is physically able to function properly at home.  Shortly after lunch, Marg said I could go home and have some time out.  She agreed that she would be fine if I walked at Morialta and did not arrive tomorrow until about 11.30 am I left at about 2.30 pm and phoned Gus to tell him what had happened.  After picking up nicotine inhalers from the pharmacy for Marg, I returned home and told Chris and Mary the news from Dr Bishnoi.  They too were stunned.  I then meditated for an hour.  It is now 6.47 and I am about to return to Mary Potter. I arrive at Mary Potter at 7.15 and wheel Margaret out for cigarettes at 8.00 pm.  She smokes many because I am not due until after 11.00 am tomorrow.  I eventually persuade her that I need to go home, get out of the freezing cold and drive through the city before the football match finishes at Adelaide Oval.  I have to drive very close to the oval and if I drive past just as the match finishes, it will be a very slow trip.  I am home by 9.30 and in bed by 10.10. Sunday 16 July 2023 I woke on Sunday 18 July at 6.30 when the phone alarm went off and got dressed to walk at Morialta.  It was 4 degrees Celsius – very cold.  I needed exercise but I was not willing to trust my body reactions to my big perimeter walk so I chose a compromise.  I met Alf and Carmine on the way back from First Falls and we returned to First Falls.  On the way back from First Falls, we met Mario walking towards the inner car park.  He was thinner because of his chemotherapy but he still refused to give in to the disease.  He has another chemotherapy session scheduled for Tuesday 18 July.  Coffee and biscuits in the hut was great and I arrived at Mary Potter at 11.10 am.  Marg said she had been a nuisance to the staff.  She was feeling nauseous and had not been able to eat.  Kevin, the nurse in charge came in to talk to us both.  He was “recalibrating” all treatment in an attempt to discover what was going wrong with Margaret.  He felt that the pain control ought to have been successfully bedded down by this stage but it wasn’t.  He was aware of what Dr Bishnoi had said on Friday but hinted that he felt a different factor or factors might be at work.  After I wheeled Marg out for cigarettes and we had returned to the room, Margaret’s nurse came to make sure she was okay.  She too hinted that there might be more going on than Dr Bishnoi was aware of but she too did not elaborate.  I think Marg and I both understood what the nurse was hinting at.  Marg made a point of saying that she “felt safe” at Mary Potter and I said that I too felt she was safe at Mary Potter. Once again I have the feeling that even if the cancer is in temporary retreat, something else is at work and when Marg said she “felt safe” I got the feeling that she will leave me, not today, but probably soon.

238 A Resurrection Story – Dying the Hard Way, Part 9 - 30 April 2025

I took this photo of a tree in full blossom on 14 July 2023 even though Adelaide was still caught in the grip of an icy winter.  I told myself that surely Margaret could have a miracle recovery if the tree could flower in such bitterly cold weather.

I received my miracle, but like the flowers on this tree, my personal miracle was short lived.

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Blog 237 finished with extracts from my diary entries for Wednesday the 12th of July 2023.  This Blog continues my diary entries from the point where Blog 237 finished.  

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Wednesday 12 July 2023 Blog 237’s diary entry finishes this way. [Mary Potter Hospice is physically located in the part of Calvary Hospital where Saint Helen’s Ward was once located.  Saint Helen’s Ward opened in 1971 and Margaret was the very first charge nurse in the ward.  Marg thinks everything about Mary Potter is appropriate.  She was born in Calvary, she trained in Calvary, she was the first charge nurse in Saint Helen’s Ward and now she will die in Calvary in what was Saint Helen’s Ward.] **** Wednesday 12 July 2023 The diary entry for Wednesday 12 July 2023 continues. This house feels lonely already and she is not yet dead. I left home to visit Marg again at 6.00 pm.  She is in very good spirits.  When I arrived she was in the wheelchair outside Mary Potter smoking a cigarette with Maurine and Ryan who works at Calvary.  She eventually agreed to migrate back into her room where the nurses used their contraptions to get her safely back into bed.  Jameson and Charli arrived at about 8.30.  The talk was good natured and Margaret did not ever lose her good natured edge.  By 9.30 I was completely exhausted and I drove home, arriving at 10.00 pm.  We have still received no information from the doctors about the progress of the cancer. Thursday 13 July 2023 I go to bed at about 11.45 and sleep solidly until 6.45 on Thursday 13 July.  As I get up, I receive a text from Marg saying she has just woken up.  She tells me she has slept all night from about 11.45 and that because her body didn’t move during the night, some pain has returned.  Her nurse this morning is Rachel who comes from Naas where we got married.  I ring Marg after my shower and promise to arrive around 10.00 am.  I promise to bring in another copy of the Advance Care Directive.  I copy the Directive, collect the other oddments Marg wants me to bring and I leave at 9.45. I stay with Marg until 4.05 and then go home.  Heather and Sue came at 1.00 pm while I was having coffee and a sandwich with Carmine.  When I return to Margaret’s room at 2.00, she is in process of going to the toilet so I walk around the block with Carmine.  When we get back, Steve and Voula from Riverland Fruit and Vegetables are visiting.  When the visitors have left, Marg is exhausted and the pain levels are starting to creep back up.  She says the pain is mostly from her legs and the ulcers on her left leg.  This morning when nurse Rachel was changing the bandages, I commented that the left leg looked better than it had done.  Rachel said she was not happy but did not elaborate.  Marg has spoken to the doctor in the hospice and he has promised to contact Dr Bishnoi but otherwise appeared not to know any details about the progress of the disease. I promise to return to Mary Potter at about 7.00 pm. When I get home at 4.40, I meditate for an hour and then put my dinner in the oven to heat up. I leave for my return trip to Mary Potter just after 7.00 pm and arrive in time to wheel Marg outside for some cigarettes.  Jim Redden arrives while we are still outside.  I wheel Marg back indoors when she decides it is too cold to stay outside any longer.  We chat in her room until Jim leaves at 9.20; I leave five minutes later.  While in Marg’s room she asks the nurse to top up her pain control.  When I leave, Marg is still in the wheelchair and I get home at 9.55.  It is 10.05 as I write these words.   Friday 14 July 2023 I sleep at 10.30 and wake at 6.15 am on Friday 14 July.  I receive no contact from Marg so I ring her at 8.30 after breakfast.  She has had broken sleep from pain and is anxious for my visit.  I promise to come as soon as I have showered and gone to supermarket to do some shopping.  It is now 8.55. It is 9.55; I have done the shopping and I am leaving for Mary Potter. I am home again at 3.00 and will return later this evening.  Marg’s pain relief did not work properly during the evening and it was recalibrated this morning.  It is now working properly again.  Visit from Cath Keough this afternoon just before I left.  Chatted with Cath outside the hospital.  I will now change and do walk. Margaret rings me at 3.33 while I am walking.  The Calvary doctor has spoken to Dr Bishnoi.  The cancer should be stable and what Margaret has been going through are probably result of side effects of the cancer treatment.  The cancer may NOT have spread.  Dr Bishnoi will visit Margaret in Mary Potter later today once he has finished attending to his other patients, but is unable to say when he might arrive.  I tell Margaret I will return home and return to Mary Potter immediately.  It is 4.06 as I type this entry.  I am about to return to Mary Potter.  Will Margaret perhaps be able to recover and come home?

237 A Resurrection Story – Dying the Hard Way, Part 8 - 29 April 2025

Margaret was very obviously at the very edge of death when she was ambulanced from the RAH to Mary Potter.  She had her wonderful quilt spread out on her bed when I arrived to see her shortly after the transfer from RAH to Mary Potter.  

She always made a special effort to pretend to be in better shape than she really was whenever she knew I was around.  She was not aware I was in the room when I took this photo.

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Blog 236 finished with extracts from my diary entries for Tuesday 11 July 2023.  This Blog continues my diary entries from the point where Blog 236 finished.  

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Tuesday 11 July 2023 Blog 236’s diary entry finishes this way. [I woke up at 5.50 am on Tuesday 11 July 2023.  Today is our 25th anniversary.  I have had breakfast and now I will pack a small bag of supplies to get me through the next few days at the hospital until Margaret dies.  I will not leave her until she leaves me.  We have already exchanged a few texts. I packed a small bag with essentials such as toiletries and left for my ENT appointment.  After a check, a fresh appointment was made for October to have my polyps removed.  I then returned to Margaret at the RAH.] **** Tuesday 11 July 2023 The diary entry for Tuesday 11 July 2023 continues. She was in much better shape today – the pain was controlled by sub cutaneous oxycodone.  I stayed with her until I left to return home and I got home at 8.50 pm.  At 5.00 pm Margaret was told that she will be transferred tomorrow to Mary Potter Hospice in the grounds of Calvary Hospital, North Adelaide.  The ambulance is scheduled to do the transfer at 9.00 am tomorrow Wednesday 12 July.  Once she received the news about Mary Potter, Margaret’s spirits improved noticeably.  She was born in Calvary, trained as a nurse in Calvary and stayed in the nurses’ quarters at Calvary while training.  Mary Potter is located in the building which was once the accommodation for the senior nurses.  Margaret wondered if she would return to her old room at Calvary. The news about Mary Potter visibly lifted her spirits and Margaret insisted that I should go home.  She now felt she would be able to sleep and she started yawning while I was there.  I returned home via Cheryl’s place.  Margaret told me Cheryl had cooked a casserole for me.  I picked up the casserole and had it for dinner; delicious.  It is now 9.38 pm. I was in bed by 10.30 on Tuesday 11 July. Wednesday 12 July 2023 I woke at 6.15 am on Wednesday 12 July 2023, lying in bed for 30 minutes enjoying the ability to just lie there without having to move.  I got myself up at 6.45 and Marg sent me a text almost as soon as I was up.  She had slept for at least five hours and the pain was still under control.  The move to Mary Potter Hospice was still on schedule.  She will ring me after she has arrived at Mary Potter and become “orientated” and I will then visit her at Mary Potter.  It is now 9.27 am. Marg rings just after 11.00 to say she has arrived at Mary Potter.  I get there about 30 minutes later.  The physiotherapist arrived at the same time as me.  Her aim was to enable Marg to get into a wheelchair so I could wheel her outside so she can have a cigarette.  Marg has great trouble getting up and into the wheelchair.  When we get back, Marg’s nurse produces a device to help her get upright from the wheelchair and then down back onto the bed.  This process is much faster and completely pain free.  The staff are simply wonderful.  Marg has been given a gift of a hand made rug with wonderful patterns on it.  I am told the hospice volunteers make them.  I am told that I will be given one main meal every day.  After the cigarette, I spend an hour filling out the mountain of paperwork required for this final hospital admission.  Once I finish the mountain, I take Marg out for another cigarette.  After three cigarettes Marg says I should go home early so I can return later this evening with more supplies for her (not cigarettes). While at Mary Potter, I sent messages to let friends know where Margaret is now located.  I sent this text to Heather at 2.27 pm. Margaret is now in Room 153 Mary Potter Hospice, Strangways Terrace, North Adelaide.  As you look at the main entrance to Calvary Hospital North Adelaide, the entrance to Mary Potter is on your right – just a few metres from Calvary main entrance.  The staff here are wonderful.  Margaret's pain is under control now and that makes a huge difference to her enjoyment of life. Heather’s blocking of my phone number was still lifted as the time of that text.  The block was reinstated a few days later.  At 2.31 pm Heather sent me this text. Thanks.  Can we take flowers in? I replied at 2.35 as I returned to my car to go home for a short period.  My reply said this. I think yes but not certain. I arrive home by 3.10 and go for my walk – the first walk in days.  I then do more updates for friends on Margaret’s health and current location.  It is 4.45 as I type this entry.  I will aim to return to Mary Potter by about 7.00 pm. Mary Potter Hospice is physically located in the part of Calvary Hospital where Saint Helen’s Ward was once located.  Saint Helen’s Ward opened in 1971 and Margaret was the very first charge nurse in the ward.  Marg thinks everything about Mary Potter is appropriate.  She was born in Calvary, she trained in Calvary, she was the first charge nurse in Saint Helen’s Ward and now she will die in Calvary in what was Saint Helen’s Ward.

Blog No. 236 A Resurrection Story – Dying the Hard Way, Part 7 - 28 April 2025

 

Margaret was never able to walk while she was in Mary Potter, but she did get more skilful in manoeuvring her wheelchair.   

The staff at Mary Potter were the kindest people I have ever met in my life – so much kinder than the people Margaret still called her friends.

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Blog 235 finished with extracts from my diary entries for Sunday 9 July 2023.  This Blog continues my diary entries from the point where Blog 235 finished.  

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Sunday 9 July 2023 Blog 235’s diary entry finishes this way. [Marg was very reluctant for me to go home, so I stayed until 9.10 pm.  I only went home then because she insisted I should.  I offered to stay all night and sleep on the sofa in her room but she refused to let me do this.  She was calm when I left but I have an uneasy feeling.  Was this our final evening together? It is 10.38 pm on Sunday as I write this..] **** Monday 10 July 2023 The diary entry for Monday 10 July 2023 continues. I slept from 11.00 pm on Sunday to 5.00 am on Monday 10 July.  Margaret rang while I was making breakfast and asked that I come in and be with her.  I hurriedly ate breakfast, didn’t stop to have a shower and drove to the hospital, arriving at 6.45 am.  Margaret was frightened – although she denied this was so.  It was still not clear what medical prognosis had been made.  The hospital cancer consultant visited at about 9.30 and discussed options for palliative care.  He promised to initiate the necessary steps to find out what hospital palliative care places were available. Margaret was still too scared to permit me to go home so I stayed, promising to stay all day and all night if this was needed.  In Margaret’s presence I placed a call to Lift Cancer Care and advised Margaret could not attend her next appointment, that she was in hospital and that we were hoping to find appropriate palliative care/ hospice care.  Lauren Whiting rang me shortly after this and expressed her great sorrow at this development. From about 12.30 pm Margaret’s pain began increasing rapidly.  If she had not been as stoic as she is, she would certainly have been screaming.  The pre-ordered pain relief did nothing to ease her pain and the nurse arranged for a doctor to come.  The doctor prescribed Fentanyl.  For ages after the Fentanyl administration, Margaret kept sobbing; it made no difference.  At about 1.30, the pain relief started to have an effect.  While this was going on, I could do nothing except hold her hands and reassure her I was there and would not leave her.  By about 2.00 pm she was finally no longer in the acute agonising pain.  The pain seemed to come from the ulcers on her legs. I dozed for an hour on the sofa in the room.  Margaret was unable to eat breakfast or lunch. The hospital Palliative Care doctor visited at about 4.00 pm.  He too was lovely.  He closely questioned Margaret about her wishes and physical needs.  He closely questioned me about my understanding of Margaret’s wishes and needs.  Margaret made clear that she would like if possible to go to Mary Potter Hospice at Calvary Hospital, North Adelaide.  The doctor promised to try and arrange this as soon as possible while making clear that he was unable to make any guaranteed promises.  Until such time as a hospice bed became available, Margaret would remain as a patient at Royal Adelaide Hospital.  Cheryl and Maurine arrived while the palliative care consultant was visiting.  They stayed until 5.30 pm.  Margaret was still unable to cope with being alone in the hospital room, so I stayed. At 6.40 pm, Jameson and Charli arrived and Margaret finally told me she would be okay if I went home.  I got home at 6.55 pm totally exhausted.  It is 7.31 pm as I write these words.  I have an appointment with Dr Pant tomorrow at 10.30 when she will try and restore my sense of smell by again removing polyps. I see significance in the failure of the doctors to refer in any way to the progress of the cancer, especially when coupled with their ready acceptance of the need for Margaret to have palliative care/ hospice care.  They would have told us if we had asked direct questions, but in the absence of direct questions they preferred not to devastate us with their findings on progress of the cancer. Tomorrow after I have seen Dr Pant I will take a small bag with fresh clothing and toiletries and stay with her until this process has reached its end.  I doubt it will be long. Tuesday 11 July 2023 I woke up at 5.50 am on Tuesday 11 July 2023.  Today is our 25th anniversary.  I have had breakfast and now I will pack a small bag of supplies to get me through the next few days at the hospital until Margaret dies.  I will not leave her until she leaves me.  We have already exchanged a few texts. I packed a small bag with essentials such as toiletries and left for my ENT appointment.  After a check, a fresh appointment was made for October to have my polyps removed.  I then returned to Margaret at the RAH.