Blog No. 207 - Our Cancer Ghosting Experience Part 2: 18 March 2025

This is the second Blog in which I relate the experiences of Margaret and me to the article by Amit Mishra about Cancer Ghosting.  Margaret and I experienced Cancer Ghosting for 2 ½ years after Margaret was diagnosed with untreatable ampullary cancer.  The Cancer
Ghosting continues to this day and it incorporated atrocious behaviour by former friends at the time when Margaret was actually dying and during Margaret’s funeral.  

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Our Cancer Ghosting commenced on the 26th of January 2021.  Here are some photos of the Ghost Friends.

We arranged a special restaurant dinner for Anne Ryan’s birthday in January 2020.  Here are some memories of that dinner.

I have never seen any of the people in these photos since our barbecue on the 26th of January 2021.  I have never received any texts or phone calls from any of these people

Margaret saw some of these people – but only if she agreed to meet them away from her own home.  None visited her at home once she became unable to drive.

Not one of them sent a card or text when Margaret died.

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Amit Mishra Extract

"Cancer ghosting" is a most-prevalent yet unaddressed side effect of cancer that. It refers to describe the phenomenon where friends, family, or loved ones suddenly withdraw or cease communication with someone after they receive a cancer diagnosis. This social abandonment can happen without explanation, leaving the patient feeling isolated and unsupported during an already challenging time. The term borrows from the concept of "ghosting" in relationships, where one party abruptly ends contact, but applies it specifically to the context of cancer. Cancer ghosting occurs when people in a patient’s social circle—those expected to provide emotional or practical support—distance themselves or disappear entirely following the diagnosis. This can manifest as stopped calls, unanswered messages, or a complete lack of check-ins. It’s a surprisingly common experience, with some surveys suggesting that over half of cancer patients encounter it. For example, research from organizations like War on Cancer has indicated that around 65% of surveyed survivors reported losing friends or relatives after their diagnosis, while the American Cancer Society notes that more than half of patients feel socially isolated during treatment.

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As I said in Blog 206, I was stunned when I stumbled across Amit’s article.  In this Blog, I will try and outline what our “friends” did to Margaret and me.

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When Margaret was diagnosed with ampullary cancer, we were told that normal cancer treatments such as chemotherapy and radiotherapy were not available and that the only possible treatment was an operation called a Whipple’s Procedure.  Margaret researched the Whipple’s Procedure and decided that she would not permit a large part of her digestive system to be removed when the best possible result if she underwent the operation would be the possibility but only the possibility of living for 3 years after her diagnosis in July 2020.  She preferred to have a shorter, but better quality life rather than potentially live slightly longer with a much reduced quality of life.  

The ampullar is a T junction where the Pancreatic Duct terminates at the common bile duct.  Cancer in this location blocks the digestive system and death is inevitable.

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In early December 2020, oncologist Dr Bishnoi (a completely lovely man) said it might be possible to do chemotherapy and radiotherapy and that if this was done, it might give Margaret an additional two or three months of life.  By early December 2020, Margaret was very ill, the cancer was growing and we expected her to be dead by (perhaps) late January 2021.  

The possibility of an extra two or three months of life was very attractive, so Margaret undertook the treatment.

Margaret started the treatments on Tuesday 8th of December, when a PICC line was inserted into her arm and positioned close to her heart.  A bag containing chemotherapy was then attached to her arm and the chemotherapy dripped into her body continuously for the next six weeks.  The chemotherapy bag was changed every week as it became empty.

In addition to the chemotherapy, Margaret commenced radiotherapy – administered on 5 successive days for the next six weeks.

The treatments continued up to and including Wednesday 20th of January 2021.

The treatment regime was brutal on Margaret and hard for me as I gave support to this wonderful woman who was my wife, who was clearly dying but determined to live as fully as her body would let her.

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The 26th of January is a public holiday in Australia and we decided to hold a farewell barbecue on this day.  All of our closest and dearest friends came.  They knew that Margaret was saying goodbye and that her death was likely in the next few weeks.

That day was the last time that any of our close friends ever came to our home.

Our Cancer Ghosting commenced immediately after our close friends enjoyed our hospitality, knowing that Margaret was about to die.

The Cancer Ghosting was the vilest experience I have ever undergone in my life with the sole exception of having to watch Margaret die 2 ½ years later.

The two photos above show some of the guests who came to our wedding in Ireland.  Ann Ryan had introduced us to her friends and family in Ireland.  We had thought that they had become our friends also.  The people we thought were our Irish friends included Ann’s close family members.  Not one of the guests at our wedding sent a condolence card or message of any kind when Margaret died.  I have no idea what lies Ann Ryan told them but they must have been big ones.

When the Cancer Ghosting began, Ann made sure that everyone she knew – in Australia and Ireland – had zero contact with us.  They obviously believed the lies she told them

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This is Maeve O’Byrne with her daughter.  Maeve was knowledgeable about ancient Irish customs and lore.  One ancient Irish custom is the Handfasting Ceremony – the ancient, original Irish marriage ceremony.  The expression “Tying the Knot” is often used as shorthand for getting married.  Tying the knot is an essential part of the Irish Handfasting Ceremony.

When we decided to get married, we wanted to publicly state that our commitment was very definitely for life, so we had two consecutive marriage ceremonies.

Bernadette was the official celebrant recognised under Irish law.  The official Irish ceremony made certain that we were wife and husband under both Irish and Australian law; Irish wedding ceremonies are fully recognised in Australia.

Maeve was the celebrant of our Handfasting Ceremony.  Handfasting is not recognised by the legal system, but it was certainly recognised by us.  We married for the duration of our lives and Maeve was our celebrant.

Maeve sent a video eulogy to be played at Margaret’s funeral.  In her eulogy, Maeve ignored completely the fact that she had been our marriage celebrant.  She never mentioned my name once.