I took this photo of Margaret in her hospital room when she was dying at Mary Potter. Even though I knew in my heart that I was losing her, I never stopped hoping Margaret would have a miracle cure – and for a few days, I thought my miracles had come true.
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Blog 234 finished with extracts from my diary entries for Saturday 8 July 2023. This Blog continues my diary entries from the point where Blog 234 finished.
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Saturday 8 July 2023 Blog 234’s diary entry finishes this way. [Marg is asleep when I arrive. I take a photo and do crosswords until she wakes. When she wakes, Marg is slow of speech but logical and rational. She is on a regime of pain control relief on demand – and even with this, she is still in remarkable pain. As she talks, her eyes close and she ceases talking for up to 30 seconds – and then resumes taking at exactly where she left off. I am depressed and take the tram home at 4.10 pm. I spend the evening updating friends on developments in Margaret’s health. I feel very flat and tears well up constantly. It is now 9.48 and I am going to bed alone..] **** Sunday 9 July 2023 The diary entry for Sunday 9 July 2023 continues. The phone rings at 2.46 am on Sunday 9 July. I struggle out of a deep sleep. It is Margaret. She is confused and thinks it is time for me to get up for my Morialta walk. She wanted to help me get up. I gently tell her the time and that I am getting up later than usual today because I am not going to try and do my usual walk. We chat for 4 minutes and I assure her I will visit as soon as I have finished the walk. I struggle awake again when the alarm goes off at 6.30 am. I do not want to get out of bed but I am now awake and further sleep is not possible. I drive to Morialta in the pouring rain, arriving at 7.27 and walk to First Falls. It is 7.57 when I get to First Falls. After taking a photo, I start back towards the car. Phone reception at Morialta is bad, but by some fluke my phone rings at 8.00 just after I have started the return journey. It is Margaret asking why I am not in the hospital. Somehow she thought I would be there at 8.00. Because the reception is bad, I promise to ring her back as soon as possible. When I ring back, Margaret is clearly distressed that I am not there so I promise to get there as soon as possible. I arrive in her hospital room at about 9.00 am. Margaret is still somewhat confused but very glad to see me. I stay until 1.20 pm. Maurine and Cheryl visit while I am there. I do not see the treating doctors but it seems Margaret will probably be transferred to a palliative care bed at Western Community Hospital – but only after her condition has been stabilised. I get home at about 1.30 after promising Margaret that I will return at 6.00. After getting home I have breakfast, have a shower and meditate for an hour. It is 5.12 as I type these words and I need to get ready to return to the hospital. I get back to the hospital by 5.50 pm. Marg’s visitors have now left and she is composed. She tells me that Jim came and stayed until about 30 minutes before Andrew, Heather and Sue left. While Andrew, Heather and Sue were there, they placed a whats app call to Anne Ryan in Ireland. Anne Ryan told Marg about my text to Heather and Sue sent on 22 November 2022. According to the three of them, my text frightened them and this is the reason why they had ceased coming to our house. Heather and Sure – but not Anne – had said they were concerned for my wellbeing. The whole episode had distressed Marg. I explained that this version of events was completely untrue. My text was sent on 22 November – the very day that Marg had her first immunotherapy and at a time when her life was hung in the balance. At the date of the text, it had been 19 months during which the three of them had refused to come visit Marg in her own home. I said that my text contained no threats at all and simply begged Heather and Sue to ask me for my side of what had happened with Anne and that they had not replied in any way. If they stopped coming to our place because of fear generated by my text, why had they refused to visit her at home in the previous 19 months. Margaret became distressed and I let the matter rest. It seems to me that at this last possible moment they are trying to spin a story to Marg to try and justify their cancellation of her. This phone hookup was certainly generated by my text to Heather in the evening of Friday 7 July saying to Heather that she, Sue and Anne had cancelled Margaret and that this was not good behaviour. They are now trying to create some sort of justification to present to Margaret. Perhaps they thought I would condemn them to Margaret before Margaret died. I was annoyed for the hurt that they had inflicted on Margaret at this stage of her battle to live. Bastards. I am not impressed by their claims to be concerned for my welfare. If they had ever had any concerns for my welfare, I would have heard them express this to me in the 2 years and six months since 26 January 2021. I was shocked and surprised but I suppose I should not have been. People always try to justify what they have done and seldom acknowledge they have done anything wrong. Marg was very reluctant for me to go home, so I stayed until 9.10 pm. I only went home then because she insisted I should. I offered to stay all night and sleep on the sofa in her room but she refused to let me do this. She was calm when I left but I have an uneasy feeling. Was this our final evening together? It is 10.38 pm on Sunday as I write this.. |
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