Blog No. 327 - Lost After Losing Margaret - 6 September 2025

Margaret shortly after we first met.   She was always so beautiful.   We loved each other from the very start.   We loved each other even more when she died.

****

I was 49 and she was 48 when we first met.

It was Saturday 11 July 1998. 

For our first date, I took her to dinner,

Exactly one week later.  

Just before we entered the restaurant, 

Her ex husband walked past.

He was with the blonde he had run off with.

We both knew it was a good sign.

He was an idiot.

I was not an idiot.

We never discussed whether we should live together,

It simply happened.  

We drove to Victoria on Friday 2 October 1998 

On the way home, the freeway to Adelaide was a dangerous construction site

When the rain started, visibility became invisibility.

The drive home became ever so dangerous.

My hands were shaking when we finally reached safety.

Margaret said I should spend the night at her place.

I never left.

I never wanted to leave.

The more I knew her, the more I loved her.

****

We were told on 10 July 2020 that Margaret had a deadly, untreatable cancer.

If she had a Whipple’s Procedure,

And if she survived the operation, 

Perhaps she might live for 3 years.

Margaret declined the operation.

She preferred quality of life to mere length of life.

The Whipple’s Procedure required removal of much of her digestive system.

Margaret rejected the process

Officially therefore, I can date Margaret’s death process as starting on 10 July 2020.

I had known and loved her for 22 complete years by then.

Margaret turned 73 on 29 March 2023.  I took her to Paladino’s Restaurant for dinner.   By then, the cancer had caused so much damage to her body, but the cancer could not affect her spirit.   Margaret was the bravest human being I have ever known.

Margaret’s actual death started on Monday 21 August 2023.

By then, she had beaten the cancer and I had brought her home.

The cancer had miraculously vanished while she was in the hospice,

While she was in the hospice dying.

Back at home, Margaret had regained life and strength, 

I could barely rouse her on that Monday morning.

Something was so terribly wrong.

I knew she was dying,

But I refused to accept that I would lose her.

Margaret had a medical appointment later that morning.

I wrestled her into her clothes.

I wrestled her into and out of the car.

The doctor immediately arranged a hospital admission.

But we would have to wait until 4.00 pm.

I wrestled Margaret back into the car.

I wrestled her back home.

Margaret at home on Monday 21 August 2023 after the doctor had arranged a hospital admission at 4.00 pm. I took this photo shortly before Margaret asked me to ring for an ambulance.   She kept drifting in and out of consciousness. She was in so much pain. We did not have a wheelchair so I secured her to the seat on the walking frame. I hoped desperately for another miracle. I prayed I could be permitted to die instead of her. That prayer was not granted.

****

Margaret asked me to call an ambulance while I was updating her list of medications.

The promised hospital admission vanished.

We waited.

And we waited.

We were stuck inside the ambulance.

Margaret could still talk a little at that point

But I knew she was dying.

We both knew she was dying.

By 4.30 pm the ambulance officers had finished their work shift

They had to go home.

The hospital allowed Margaret to be left in A & E on a gurney.

It was 6.30 pm before any doctor could look at her.

It was not their fault.

There were so many sick people who needed their attention that day.

We both knew she was dying

At 10.30 pm Margaret was finally taken to a hospital room.

She was barely conscious.

At 10.35 her room filled with doctors and nurses,

Desperately trying to save her life.

I became a helpless spectator while my wife endured her dying.

At 12.30 am on 22 August, Margaret was moved to Intensive Care.

I was bundled into a waiting room.

It was better that I not view the process of my wife’s dying.

They let me see her again just before 3.00 am

First, I was closely questioned.

Did I know what Margaret wanted if she was dying?

I knew.

We had discussed this.

Margaret knew I would honour her wishes.

Silence filled the ICU when I ordered the machines to be turned off.

The noise had been deafening.

The monitor said it was 3.16 am when her life signs went flat.

When Margaret died,

I had known and loved her for 

25 years, 

1 month, 

1 week, 

3 days, 

3 hours 

And 16 minutes.

Margaret loved the Bee Gees

They once sang How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

I have no idea how to mend my broken heart.

Two years after Margaret died,

I remain lost.

When I lost Margaret, a large lump of me died too.

If I get lucky, maybe the ICU has a machine.

One that can heal my broken heart

The part of me that died 2 years ago.

I hope so.