133 – March Miracle Cure, Part 2: 31 December 2024

This was Margaret on 19 September 2021.  on that day we celebrated the birthday of Margaret’s sister Maurine.  My beautiful Margaret wife was so full of life.  She did not live to see 19 September 2023.

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I could barely contain my joy.

In early December 2020, Margaret had been dying.

She had undergone harsh treatment involving chemotherapy and radiotherapy for six weeks – and now we had been granted a miracle.  The cancer had collapsed so much that it was barely visible.  The doctors had no explanation for what had happened.  

The doctors had thought Margaret would be dead by December 2020.  If it worked, the chemotherapy and radiotherapy was supposed to extend her life to about March or April or May 2021; and then Margaret was supposed to die.

But now all of those predictions had been upended.

The cancer had done a vanishing act.  It could not be seen by the surgeon.  If there was anything still there, it was only a remnant of the cancer.

In my mind, my gorgeous Margaret was no longer doomed to die from the cancer!  

She was going to live!  

Making things even better was the fact that the news of the vanishing cancer had arrived 13 days before Margaret’s 71^st birthday on 29 March.

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Buoyed by the miracle of life, we decided to have a celebratory restaurant dinner and invite all of our friends. 

I sent this special text to Anne Ryan at 4.54 om on Sunday 14 March.

Hi Ann, I am certain Marg would love to have you present at her birthday dinner on 29 March – and so would I.  How about coming?

In those wonderful days when I was certain Margaret was going to live, I had no idea that I had already been cancelled.  I also had no idea that the cancer had not vanished.  It had only gone into hiding for a while.

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Anne Ryan never did reply to my text inviting her to come to our celebration.

Perhaps she had no spare time because she was too busy making sure that the celebration of Margaret’s gift of life would be strongly infected by her newly born hatred of me.  

Or maybe her hatred of me was not newly born at all.  Perhaps it had always been there, but she kept it hidden until she got the news that Margaret was doomed to die.  When that news arrived, perhaps she no longer saw any need to hide her hatred.

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Dinner was in a restaurant that the group of us had been to more than once before. 

Heather and Andrew Long were there. 

Sue Chapman was there. 

Nes Fernandez was there. 

Chris Reilly was there. 

Margaret and I were there.

Anne Ryan was not there.  She told Margaret that she would not come because I would be there.

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I sat next to Chris Reilly.  He too had been a long standing and treasured friend since before and after his wife Sue Marshall had died all those years earlier.

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Chris Reilly treated me with contempt.  He spoke to me only when I directly spoke to him.

People spoke to Margaret, but they refused to speak to me unless I spoke directly to them.

The atmosphere was forced and ugly and showed no trace of the celebration that we had intended.

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Our celebratory dinner was vile. 

It was one of the worst evenings I had ever had up to that point in my life.  But up till then, I had not experienced being snubbed by people who thought were friends.

The misery of that night was greatly accentuated by the refusal of Anne Ryan to answer my text asking her to come and by her notable absence from the “celebration” of the miracle cure that had been granted to her very best friend.

I was hurt for my own sake and for Margaret’s sake.  She had been treated like a piece of shit for one single reason – she was married to me.  

The presence of the deadly cancer in her body was completely irrelevant as far as her so called friends were concerned.  

Both the Former Dead Woman Walking and her Cancelled Husband had to be treated with contempt because a Woke Retired University Professor called Anne Ryan had decreed this was how they should act – and our so called friends followed the orders spewed out by the Retired University Professor.

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Making the vileness of the 29 March dinner worse was the continuing – and accelerating – march of my own body towards the death drain.  My symptoms got steadily worse throughout March 2021 and I increasingly became unable to eat.  This chart identifies my continuing weight loss throughout March 2021. 

My Weight March 2021
Friday 5 March 2022	79.0 kilograms
Friday 12 March 2021	79.8 kilograms
Friday 19 March 2021	78.1 kilograms
Friday 26 March 2021	78.3 kilograms

* 73.2 kilograms = 11 stone, 7 pounds, 7 ounces or 161 pounds, 7 ounces

In November 2019, the dietician had told me that my recommended weight for my height and age was 84 kilograms.  It had been months since my weight had reached the recommended 84 kilograms – but the weight kept melting off me.

Margaret had been granted an extension of life, but my own body was intent on shortening my own life.

 

132 – March Miracle Cure, Part 1: 30 December 2024

Because I loved Port Lincoln, we started driving to Port Lincoln on Friday 12 February 2021.  I did all the driving.  Margaret was too weak to drive.  We stayed the Friday night in Port Augusta.  It is only 310 kilometres from Adelaide to Port Augusta, but I was exhausted when we got there.

Margaret discovered a local hotel made a chocolate pizza, so she nibbled at a chocolate pizza.  I can’t remember what I ate, but I do remember I spent that night in terrible pain from my bloated stomach.  I tried hard pretending that it didn’t hurt even a tiny bit while Margaret pretended not to notice my agony. 

I did not sleep at all that Friday night and it was very hard driving the 343 kilometres from Port Augusta to Port Lincoln.

Our stay in Port Lincoln was depressing.  I was in terrible physical shape and Margaret was dying.  We stayed there from Saturday 13 February to the morning of Wednesday 17 February 2021.  We both thought it would be the last time we would ever have a holiday together – in Port Lincoln or anywhere else.

I took this photo of Margaret on Thursday 18 February 2021 in Port Wakefield on our way home from Port Lincoln.

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I took this photo of the Port Lincoln waterfront on Tuesday 16 February 2021.  Apart from being in great physical pain, I only wanted to weep.  In a few short weeks I was going to lose the company of the finest human being I had ever known.

I did not enjoy our Port Lincoln holiday at all, but a big surprise was in store for us when we got home.

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On 10 March, the surgeon did another operation on Margaret to look at the cancer again.  His written report says this.

Findings On endoscopy, the previous ampullary lesion in D 2 was not seen.  The biliary orifice, however, was not well seen with the echoendoscope. On EUS, the previous 1.8 x 1.2 cm oval lesion at the ampullary region has reduced in size to 8 mm the max.  There was no obvious extension of tumour into the distal CBD, which was no longer dilated (7 mm).  Overall, the appearance could be a normal ampula. The PD was not affected and was normal in calibre (1-2 mm) The previous 2 cystic lesion within the pancreas neck: neck (23 mm) and tail (8 mm) were both seen.  Both has no high risk or worrisome features. There were a few enlarged node[s] seen, with the largest in the celiac axis, measuring up to 15 mm.  This was biopsied using EUS FNA technique.  Material was collected for histology. There was no obvious lesion in the visualised portion of the liver.

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The surgeon took a tissue sample when he operated on Margaret on 10 March 2021.  The pathology report on the tissue sample confirmed what the surgeon saw during the 10 March operation.

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The oncologist gave us the astonishing news on 16 March.  For all practical purposes, Margaret’s cancer had “vanished”.  We had not foreseen this possibility and neither had the doctors.  We had hoped the chemotherapy and radiotherapy would grant us a short extension of Margaret’s life.  The oncologist had no explanation for what had happened. 

I was so thrilled I kept asking Margaret what she had done with her “Dead Woman Walking” badge. 

I know Margaret was not fooled even for a moment by her apparent “cure”.  As a cancer nurse, she had seen this type of "cure" many times.  She told me it was not a cure but a remission. 

Margaret continued to attend Lift Cancer Care Services and I kept working on the Postcard Book.

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Margaret sent a text to her wonderful friend Anne Ryan on 10 March telling her the news of the miracle cure.

Margaret got a reply at 9.40 pm saying “Fantastic news. Celebrate. Ax”.  Anne sent a second text at 21:43:17 saying “Have a good rest”.

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I sent Anne this text at 7:09 pm on Wednesday 10 March 2021.

What Marg didn’t say in her text.  Not enough cancer left for surgeon to do biopsy.  Did biopsy on lymph node but surgeon says he expects negative result.  Surgeon does not want to look again until 6 months had gone.  We used up a treasure chest of miracles.  Marg can’t believe this has happened.  Nor me.

I got a reply from Anne at 7.12 pm on Wednesday 12 March 2021 in response to my excited text telling her about Margaret’s miracle cure.  The text from Anne said this.

Wonderful news

My wife – supposedly Anne’s closest friend – had just been given news of a miracle cure and all Anne Ryan had to say was “Wonderful news” – 2 days after I had told her the news.

Our cancellation was in full swing.

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We received more good news on Tuesday 16 March.  I sent this text to Anne Ryan at 2.34 pm on that day.

Just got result of tissue sample taken at endoscopy last week.  Cancer is gone.  Live happily ever after.  WOW.

To my astonishment, I got a reply at 2.41 pm on the same day.  This was the reply.

Wonderful news

Unfortunately for me, I had not yet realised that both of us had been cancelled.  Anne Ryan had no interest in whether Margaret lived or died.  Margaret was married to someone who had been cancelled by Anne Ryan.  That meant Margaret was cancelled too.

Margaret’s life or death was of no interest to the woman who she still thought was her very best friend.

 

 

131 – Cancelled, Part 4: 29 December 2024

I loved Port Lincoln, so we went to Port Lincoln for a few days in February 2021.

Early morning on the Port Lincoln beach on 16 February 2021.

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 Early morning on Port Lincoln waterfront on 16 February 2021.

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All actions have consequences. 

I only narrowly avoided death after the cancellation of both me and Margaret by Anne Ryan and our former friends after the barbecue on 26 January 2021.

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Because I convinced myself that my symptoms had eased slightly, I decided my health had improved slightly in November and December 2020.  Of course, I was wrong to think this.

My weight had reduced to 84 kilograms by October 2020.  This was the weight that the dietician recommended as ideal for me.  I no longer tried to lose weight once I reached 84 kilograms.

What I wanted was irrelevant though. 

I could not slow down the continued deterioration of my weight from a healthy weight into the death zone.  

It is a simple proposition.  If you are unable to eat, you lose weight.  If you continue to lose weight, you eventually die.

This Table sets out my weight loss in October, November and December 2020.

84.0 kilograms                                     Friday 23 October 2020 83.4 kilograms                                     Friday 30 October 2020 83.9 kilograms                                     Friday 6 November 2020 82.4 kilograms                                     Friday 13 November 2020 83.3 kilograms                                     Friday 20 November 2020 82.7 kilograms                                     Friday 27 November 2020 83.0 kilograms                                     Friday 4 December 2020 82.4 kilograms                                     Friday 11 December 2020 82.6 kilograms                                     Friday 18 December 2020 82.1 kilograms                                     Friday 25 December 2020

 

The deterioration in my health started turning into a death slide in January 2021 and the death slide steadily gained momentum.  

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This Table sets out my weight loss in January 2021.

84.0 kilograms                                     Friday 23 October 2020 82.5 kilograms                         Friday 1 January 2021 81.7 kilograms                         Friday 8 January 2021 82.4 kilograms                         Friday 15 January 2021 80.7 kilograms                         Friday 22 January 2021 82.0 kilograms                         Friday 29 January 2021

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This Table sets out my weight loss in February 2021.

 

81.1 kilograms                                     Friday 5 February 82.5 kilograms                         Friday 12 February 2021 81.7 kilograms                         Friday 19 February 2021 82.4 kilograms                         Friday 26 February 2021

 My weight loss continued long after February 2021.

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As well as continuously losing weight, I steadily became physically more feeble.  I ceased to be able to do the exercise that I wanted to do – the exercise my body needed me to do to stay alive.

This Table contrasts the exercise that I wanted to do with the exercise that I was actually able to do.  I am not physically lazy.  None of the “lost” exercise was the result of me not having the motivation to do it.  The lost exercise occurred because I was physically incapable to doing it.  This Table graphically highlights the decline in my health in January 2021.

 

Date	Scheduled Exercise	Actual Exercise
Sunday 10 January	3 ½ hours at Morialta	1 ½ hours at Morialta
Sunday 24 January 2021	3 ½ hours at Morialta	1 hour at home
Sunday 31 January 2021	3 ½ hours at Morialta	1 ½ hours at Morialta

 

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This Table sets out the rapid, significant decline in my health in February 2021.  To steal an expression from American tv crime shows, I had begun to “circle the drain”.  I did not realise it then, but my body had started to die.

 

Date	Scheduled Exercise	Actual Exercise
Wednesday 10 February	30 minutes yoga	Nil
Friday 12 February	1 hour walking at Port Augusta, plus 30 minutes yoga	Nil
Saturday 13 February	1 hour walking at Port Lincoln, plus 30 minutes yoga	Nil
Sunday 14 February	1 hour walking at Port Lincoln, plus 30 minutes yoga	30 minutes walking at Port Lincoln
Monday 15 February	1 hour walking at Port Lincoln, plus 30 minutes yoga	- 30 minutes easy walking at Port Lincoln - 30 minutes yoga
Tuesday 16 February	1 hour walking at Port Lincoln, plus 30 minutes yoga	30 minutes walking at Port Lincoln
Wednesday 17 February	1 hour walking at Port Augusta or Port Lincoln, plus 30 minutes yoga	30 minutes walking at Port Lincoln
Thursday 18 February	1 hour walking at home, plus 30 minutes yoga	Nil
Friday 19 February	1 hour walking at home, plus 30 minutes yoga	Nil
Thursday 25 February	1 hour walking at home, plus 30 minutes yoga	1 hour walking at home
Friday 26 February	1 hour walking at home, plus 30 minutes yoga	Nil
Saturday 27 February	1 hour walking at home, plus 30 minutes yoga	30 minutes yoga

 

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On some days I was still able to do some of my recommended exercise, but doing so became increasingly difficult.  On other days, I was unable to do any exercise at all.

I was in continuous pain.

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Although I was still able to eat breakfast in January 2021, I was completely unable to eat lunch and eating dinner became increasingly impossible.  Being able to eat only small segments of meals became a common occurrence.

This Table identifies the meals I was unable to eat in January 2021

Date	Breakfast	Lunch	Dinner
Friday 1 January 2021		None
Saturday 2 January		None
Sunday 3 January		None
Monday 4 January		None
Tuesday 5 January		None
Thursday 7 January		None
Saturday 9 January		None
Sunday 10 January		None
Monday 11 January		None
Sunday 17 January		None
Sunday 24 January		None
Tuesday 26 January		None
Thursday 28 January		None
Saturday 30 January		None	None
Sunday 31 January		None

 

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After my cancellation on 8 February 2021, my physical inability to eat became more pronounced.  This Table identifies the meals where I was unable to eat any food in February.

Date	Breakfast	Lunch	Dinner
Thursday 4 February		None
Sunday 7 February		None
Saturday 13 February		None	None
Sunday 14 February		None
Monday 15 February		None
Tuesday 16 February		None
Wednesday 17 February		None
Thursday 18 February		None	Bowl ice cream
Friday 19 February			Bowl ice cream
Saturday 20 February		None
Sunday 21 February		None	Bowl of ice cream
Monday 22 February		Bowl ice cream
Tuesday 23 February		Raspberry muffin
Friday 26 February		None	Bowl ice cream
Saturday 27 February		None
Sunday 28 February		None

 

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By the end of February, it was usually impossible for me to eat lunch and I was often unable to eat either lunch or dinner.  My stomach would accept ice cream so I began having a bowl of ice cream as my “dinner”.  Throughout that February, breakfast was the only meal I was usually able to eat.

Margaret was the one who had cancer, but my body had decided to shut down as well.  Partly this was because I desperately wanted Margaret to live, but the horrible stink of death to my agony was a direct result of my cancellation by someone I had thought was a friend.

The lives of both Margaret and me became a daily battle to survive.

Anne Ryan had cancelled me and my life hung in the balance. 

Margaret had terminal cancer and she had been cancelled too.  Her long time friend did not give a shit about the impending death of her two former friends.